我的好兄弟

https://youtu.be/AGSOlsxOn3w

我的好兄弟 - 高进 & 小沈阳

在你辉煌的时刻 让我为你唱首歌 
我的好兄弟 心里有苦你对我说 
前方大路一起走 哪怕是河也一起过 
苦点累点 又能算什么 

在你需要我的时候 我来陪你一起度过 
我的好兄弟 心里有苦你对我说 
人生难得起起落落 还是要坚强的生活 
哭过笑过 至少你还有我

朋友的情谊呀比天还高 比地还辽阔 
那些岁月我们一定会记得 
朋友的情谊呀我们今生 最大的难得 
像一杯酒 像一首老歌

Sometimes it's nice to know that you care for me as much as I do for you.

When you go for your trips, I never fail to wish you a safe flight and to take care.

But when you know I'm going outfield, I don't get a wish from anyone. Yes I'll take care and be safe. But it's nice to know and it feels good knowing someone is actively concerned about my well being.

When your other half fails to wish you good morning, I try to do it, just so you feel loved that someone thinks of you in the morning as well.

And when I do, I don't get anything. No reply. Zilch.

I understand you're going through a rough time and you're busy with your own activities, especially with a trip coming up. But once again, it's nice to know that you care. Even a single message will suffice. Nope.

"Busy"

Well okay then.

I try and I try. To what extent? But it's okay. Because I'll always be there for you right?

Yes I'll never leave you. But sometimes it hurts.

Is it because I'm not important enough to you? That I don't deserve more attention and effort?

It feels I'm giving more to you than what I'm receiving. But I won't hold back. Because I'm not like that. At least to you. But I can't keep doing this forever. To act like it doesn't hurt me.

It's hard sometimes to always try to be your pillar of support that never fails to be there and show up whenever you need me to be.

It's hard but I will always do it and love you unconditionally.

I just wish you'd understand.

Sometimes it's funny. When you get mad/ sad/ disappointed with people when they do certain actions to you, but you do the same to others.

Yet I can never leave you alone in sadness. No matter how much I try and feel like I'm getting shut off.

Just sometimes, fml

Maybe all I need is a little appreciation and love.

Or maybe I don't deserve anything at all.

Conflict of emotions

I know things have been looking up recently. But yet, it seems that I feel tired and drained all the time. Mostly mentally.

I feel like I'm giving too much in everything. I spend too much time and effort, leaving little for myself. Not wanting to sound selfish, but I think I should hold back.

Firstly there's family. I'm giving so much effort in trying to hold the family together. Being the mediator most of the time. Having to console all of them every time. Having to find a compromise for them. And yet my sister is probably having the time of her life now. And here I am. I know. I know they're my family. They've done so much for me, I can't even list them. And yes, I do love them so. But I just feel that it's a major source of my problems and how much lighter I'd feel if I didn't have to worry about them.

There's studies and the future. I know signing on in the army is an alright option, considering my education and such. I can't bear to take money from my parents just because I screwed up poly on my first try. I don't even know if they have the funds for it too. But signing on is really signing my life away. And I don't know if I have the strength to do that. Yet it's wrong to make them pay once more. It's a struggle between morality and personal happiness.

Then there's friends. There's aren't many that I can call "friends" now. And even those still with me, I feel I'm giving so much into sustaining relationships. I have to be the one to organize where do we go, play where, do what, eat what etc. Again being the intermediary for everyone in the group. Also, almost never do I get the chance to do what I want to do as a group, or alone with someone. It's usually going for the other person's event, their timing, their choice, their prerogative always. Almost always. It's as if  I never get the chance to go where I want to go, when I do it, who I go with, what I want to do. As a group or not. It's always the other people's requests before mine. And I seemed pretty fine with it. I don't know why it's bugging me though. I guess i just want more time to do my stuff, while not being alone.

I feel sometimes I'm a simple yet complex, contradictory creature. I like solitary, but I hate being alone. I like to put others before me, yet I want my needs to be heard too.

I don't know if its all right if someone my age has to worry about everything like this. And these are just the issues that I've been thinking about recently. There's the problem of companionship, health, etc.

Maybe I just need to hold back a little. Save a little more energy for myself. Maybe I'll be a lot less drained and more contented. I just need to take a step back and look at the bigger picture. Like who, what, why am I doing this for. Just maybe.

All I want is is just have the strength to overcome all these. Sigh. I want hug my biscuit and cry now.

Oh wait. biscuit isn't with me now. *cries*

:(

Lego

Recently restarted my lego collecting once again. Feels good to rekindle my old hobby. What's more, there's so many variants of minifigures out there now. There's just so many to collect!

Tired

I wouldn't say miserable. But it was a real tired week. Work was just. Just.. I don't know how to describe. Oc not around. 2ic busy. Wsm has his own work, eugene on mc 3 days of the week, everything falls onto my hands.

Suddenly I'm responsible for everything. Suddenly I'm the point of contact. Suddenly all me. Suddenly everything.

I'm just feeling so tired and annoyed now. I wanna just hug my ducky to sleep and just fuck everything and everyone.

Tired of everything. Of work, money, studies, friends, family, plus being physically tired all the time. My sister problem isn't helping at all. I don't think it's stress? It's just the feeling of being constantly drained. Like I have no more left to give.

I don't want to do anything anymore. Gosh I'm just feeling so inclined to give up. It's like no one gives a shit anymore and I shouldn't as well. Fuck this tbh. Goodbye.