Conflict of emotions

I know things have been looking up recently. But yet, it seems that I feel tired and drained all the time. Mostly mentally.

I feel like I'm giving too much in everything. I spend too much time and effort, leaving little for myself. Not wanting to sound selfish, but I think I should hold back.

Firstly there's family. I'm giving so much effort in trying to hold the family together. Being the mediator most of the time. Having to console all of them every time. Having to find a compromise for them. And yet my sister is probably having the time of her life now. And here I am. I know. I know they're my family. They've done so much for me, I can't even list them. And yes, I do love them so. But I just feel that it's a major source of my problems and how much lighter I'd feel if I didn't have to worry about them.

There's studies and the future. I know signing on in the army is an alright option, considering my education and such. I can't bear to take money from my parents just because I screwed up poly on my first try. I don't even know if they have the funds for it too. But signing on is really signing my life away. And I don't know if I have the strength to do that. Yet it's wrong to make them pay once more. It's a struggle between morality and personal happiness.

Then there's friends. There's aren't many that I can call "friends" now. And even those still with me, I feel I'm giving so much into sustaining relationships. I have to be the one to organize where do we go, play where, do what, eat what etc. Again being the intermediary for everyone in the group. Also, almost never do I get the chance to do what I want to do as a group, or alone with someone. It's usually going for the other person's event, their timing, their choice, their prerogative always. Almost always. It's as if  I never get the chance to go where I want to go, when I do it, who I go with, what I want to do. As a group or not. It's always the other people's requests before mine. And I seemed pretty fine with it. I don't know why it's bugging me though. I guess i just want more time to do my stuff, while not being alone.

I feel sometimes I'm a simple yet complex, contradictory creature. I like solitary, but I hate being alone. I like to put others before me, yet I want my needs to be heard too.

I don't know if its all right if someone my age has to worry about everything like this. And these are just the issues that I've been thinking about recently. There's the problem of companionship, health, etc.

Maybe I just need to hold back a little. Save a little more energy for myself. Maybe I'll be a lot less drained and more contented. I just need to take a step back and look at the bigger picture. Like who, what, why am I doing this for. Just maybe.

All I want is is just have the strength to overcome all these. Sigh. I want hug my biscuit and cry now.

Oh wait. biscuit isn't with me now. *cries*

:(