Conflict of emotions

I know things have been looking up recently. But yet, it seems that I feel tired and drained all the time. Mostly mentally.

I feel like I'm giving too much in everything. I spend too much time and effort, leaving little for myself. Not wanting to sound selfish, but I think I should hold back.

Firstly there's family. I'm giving so much effort in trying to hold the family together. Being the mediator most of the time. Having to console all of them every time. Having to find a compromise for them. And yet my sister is probably having the time of her life now. And here I am. I know. I know they're my family. They've done so much for me, I can't even list them. And yes, I do love them so. But I just feel that it's a major source of my problems and how much lighter I'd feel if I didn't have to worry about them.

There's studies and the future. I know signing on in the army is an alright option, considering my education and such. I can't bear to take money from my parents just because I screwed up poly on my first try. I don't even know if they have the funds for it too. But signing on is really signing my life away. And I don't know if I have the strength to do that. Yet it's wrong to make them pay once more. It's a struggle between morality and personal happiness.

Then there's friends. There's aren't many that I can call "friends" now. And even those still with me, I feel I'm giving so much into sustaining relationships. I have to be the one to organize where do we go, play where, do what, eat what etc. Again being the intermediary for everyone in the group. Also, almost never do I get the chance to do what I want to do as a group, or alone with someone. It's usually going for the other person's event, their timing, their choice, their prerogative always. Almost always. It's as if  I never get the chance to go where I want to go, when I do it, who I go with, what I want to do. As a group or not. It's always the other people's requests before mine. And I seemed pretty fine with it. I don't know why it's bugging me though. I guess i just want more time to do my stuff, while not being alone.

I feel sometimes I'm a simple yet complex, contradictory creature. I like solitary, but I hate being alone. I like to put others before me, yet I want my needs to be heard too.

I don't know if its all right if someone my age has to worry about everything like this. And these are just the issues that I've been thinking about recently. There's the problem of companionship, health, etc.

Maybe I just need to hold back a little. Save a little more energy for myself. Maybe I'll be a lot less drained and more contented. I just need to take a step back and look at the bigger picture. Like who, what, why am I doing this for. Just maybe.

All I want is is just have the strength to overcome all these. Sigh. I want hug my biscuit and cry now.

Oh wait. biscuit isn't with me now. *cries*

:(

Gesellschaft

I yearn companionship so badly. I want someone to spend time with, to take care of, to treasure, to share moments with, to forge memories together, to kiss her, to love her. I want to hold her tight, protect her from all her troubles and fears, to keep her happy, to be the reason for her joy.

It's hard to express my feelings in words, and it's even harder to find that special person as well.

I just want to feel needed. Wanted. Loved. Cared for. I have quite a number of friends having great relationships now, it's awesome and all, but it hurts when I'm alone. Right through the heart. I've been lonely for so long, and the last time I was truly happy was when I was just a kid. How I yearn to feel like that again. What I would give up to be with someone and spend the rest of our lives together.

I feel so lonely. I want my hug. Meow.

Schule

Wish I could have the opportunity to study again. For the past few weeks, people have been graduating from poly, having their ORD parades and such. And here I am wasting my life away. So many questions. If only I hadn't fucked up, if only I studied harder, if only I didn't have that fall.

So disappointing and such a spirit breaker. Feeling pretty low inside. With all that's happened recently as well. Nothing much I can do about it, just suck it up and move on. Would be nice to talk to someone though. Yet I don't want to be a hindrance to others. Contradictory much?

I guess in the end the only thing for me to do is move on. But what do I study again? Design? Architecture? Business? Or do I try to appeal to complete my engineering course? I want to discuss things further. But who? Definitely not my parents. Not again.

Grey Goose a few feet away from my reach. So tempted to drink it all. Drink everything away.

Am I a failure? Someone tell me please. I really need to know.

Müde

I feel quite tired.

Tired of thinking too much, tired of feeling sorry for myself, tired of feeling sad. As much as I want to curl up and ignore everything. It isn't the solution. It won't go away. I'll have to face them and emerge successful.

Things that I have to set straight.

Health:
It's time I started taking care of myself. I won't be the type that eats everything clean. But I will watch what I eat. No fast food, unnecessary eating, oily or fatty foods and such. I'll give myself a cheat day though. Other than that everything I eat will be monitored. Intake should be less than output. Fruits daily and stuff. No soft drinks as well. Ugh.

Fitness:
I've already started this. But I should set a goal for myself. Feeling fat the past couple of days, not being able to run. Seems my ankle hurts more than anything now. I guess I had a bulking phase already, haha. Now its time yo cut. PT as often as I can when I can't run, gym on alternate weekdays. And impromptu exercises in between whenever I feel I have strength to give. The pain is good. It means I'm growing fitter. Masochistic much?

But yes. I plan to participate in a half marathon next year. Who knows? Maybe a full marathon! But I won't set my goal too high. Half will do. Feeling psyched!

Friends:
I'll have to sit down and filter through. Concentrate and spend time on people thay care, and time to block out those that don't. It's hard to do, but I'll have to take this step in order to move forward and be happy.

Reading:
I don't know what genre I like, because honestly, I don't read. But I should. I'll try some fantasy I guess? Seems nice to dive into a book and Teleport myself to another place. Improves my language skills as well.

Studies:
This one. Ugh. I'll have to go back to study anyways, so I need to think this through. And properly as well. At this point I'm not sure what to study, but architecture and design springs to mind.

Driving:
I really want to drive. It gives a sense of satisfaction and freedom. More importantly I don't have to keep taking cabs all the time anymore.

Basically these are issues that come to mind which I would want to overcome. Tired of.of feeling sorry for myself. Time to take this into my own hands. Time to overcome.

Let's go.

Was ist los mit mir?

What's wrong with me?

I yearn for affection, attention, happiness. Yet I don't feel any. Somehow I feel empty. Do I need to have a girl by my side to feel complete? I think so.

Last night's discussion brought up something. If I am willing to do so much for a best friend, how much am I willing to do for a girlfriend. I think the question should be, how much will I not do for a girlfriend.

I yearn someone to spend my time with, to cherish moments, both good and bad. I want to share both mundane and eventful memories with someone. I want to hug someone and tell them that everything will be alright, and for that person to do the same for me as well.

Is it so hard for me to find one? Or maybe there's something about me that impedes me form doing so?

I feel pathetic, useless and that I'm a failure. What have I really achieved in my life? 

Would it help if I cocooned myself to all emotions and feelings? Maybe I won't feel hurt this way.

I just need a reassuring voice to tell me that I will be alright and not to worry.

I need a hug.

Please?

An open letter

You know who you are

You've caused me so much pain, joy, heartache, happiness, grief, laughter, tears. You were so much and more. Yet things turned out this way.

No doubt I've gotten over you. But the lack of your presence has left a gaping hole in my heart. Because of you, I've spaced myself away from the things I liked to do, and the people I cared so much about. Because of you, I pretended to be someone I wasn't. Yet you never cared. Or at least, that was how people perceived you to be. I never heeded those warnings that I would get hurt in the end. I've always thought that it would be worth it if it meant I could be with you. I thought I could withstand the pain. I couldn't. Well you moved on with your life with success. Look at me, where am I now. Well it could be worse haha.

The past few days were great. Ever since I started that 100 days thing, I feel lighter, fresh, happier. The hole isn't filled. The concrete needs to be prepared, mixed, poured and settled, then it could be counted as filled. I'd say I'm in the prepping stage.

As I'm typing this, no longer am I in tears, nor feeling sad. Actually I'm smiling. Not sure why, but I am. I think things are looking great for me. I have an idea where I want to be, and I know what I have to do to get there.

It's been a learning experience, so to speak. Though I don't know if I can trust my heart to love someone like I did with you. Maybe not just yet. I don't know if I can take the rejection again. I've given up so much to be near you. But to think of it, it isn't really a lot isn't it? Maybe I was just being weak. Comparatively, I've seen Janet give up so much for Jiale. She went through so much and she survived it. I guess that was the inspiration for me to push through. She's such a strong individual, but if she did it, so can I.

With that I bid you farewell. Thank you for crossing paths with me, and for being a part of my life.


Dex.