Conflict of emotions

I know things have been looking up recently. But yet, it seems that I feel tired and drained all the time. Mostly mentally.

I feel like I'm giving too much in everything. I spend too much time and effort, leaving little for myself. Not wanting to sound selfish, but I think I should hold back.

Firstly there's family. I'm giving so much effort in trying to hold the family together. Being the mediator most of the time. Having to console all of them every time. Having to find a compromise for them. And yet my sister is probably having the time of her life now. And here I am. I know. I know they're my family. They've done so much for me, I can't even list them. And yes, I do love them so. But I just feel that it's a major source of my problems and how much lighter I'd feel if I didn't have to worry about them.

There's studies and the future. I know signing on in the army is an alright option, considering my education and such. I can't bear to take money from my parents just because I screwed up poly on my first try. I don't even know if they have the funds for it too. But signing on is really signing my life away. And I don't know if I have the strength to do that. Yet it's wrong to make them pay once more. It's a struggle between morality and personal happiness.

Then there's friends. There's aren't many that I can call "friends" now. And even those still with me, I feel I'm giving so much into sustaining relationships. I have to be the one to organize where do we go, play where, do what, eat what etc. Again being the intermediary for everyone in the group. Also, almost never do I get the chance to do what I want to do as a group, or alone with someone. It's usually going for the other person's event, their timing, their choice, their prerogative always. Almost always. It's as if  I never get the chance to go where I want to go, when I do it, who I go with, what I want to do. As a group or not. It's always the other people's requests before mine. And I seemed pretty fine with it. I don't know why it's bugging me though. I guess i just want more time to do my stuff, while not being alone.

I feel sometimes I'm a simple yet complex, contradictory creature. I like solitary, but I hate being alone. I like to put others before me, yet I want my needs to be heard too.

I don't know if its all right if someone my age has to worry about everything like this. And these are just the issues that I've been thinking about recently. There's the problem of companionship, health, etc.

Maybe I just need to hold back a little. Save a little more energy for myself. Maybe I'll be a lot less drained and more contented. I just need to take a step back and look at the bigger picture. Like who, what, why am I doing this for. Just maybe.

All I want is is just have the strength to overcome all these. Sigh. I want hug my biscuit and cry now.

Oh wait. biscuit isn't with me now. *cries*

:(

Lego

Recently restarted my lego collecting once again. Feels good to rekindle my old hobby. What's more, there's so many variants of minifigures out there now. There's just so many to collect!

Tired

I wouldn't say miserable. But it was a real tired week. Work was just. Just.. I don't know how to describe. Oc not around. 2ic busy. Wsm has his own work, eugene on mc 3 days of the week, everything falls onto my hands.

Suddenly I'm responsible for everything. Suddenly I'm the point of contact. Suddenly all me. Suddenly everything.

I'm just feeling so tired and annoyed now. I wanna just hug my ducky to sleep and just fuck everything and everyone.

Tired of everything. Of work, money, studies, friends, family, plus being physically tired all the time. My sister problem isn't helping at all. I don't think it's stress? It's just the feeling of being constantly drained. Like I have no more left to give.

I don't want to do anything anymore. Gosh I'm just feeling so inclined to give up. It's like no one gives a shit anymore and I shouldn't as well. Fuck this tbh. Goodbye.

電車男

Been a while since I posted anything. Guess you can say things are going pretty well. Another few more months to Ord means I'll have to start working or studying soon. Possibly both.

Just read finished train man, gosh the geeks are really cute. Their support for tren despite their jealousness really heartwarming. Plus the transformation from geek unsure of calling her to one that gets together with the girl he loves is vast.

I like how he tries to be another person when around her just to impress her haha. Dressing up and all that. Come to think of it, despite how I act and all, I think deep inside me I'm quite soft, and kinda like cute things. But not many know of it I guess. One of the biggest mistakes I made was throwing away all my old stuff toys :'(

So thankful I have my duckies and biscuit around now! Don't know what I'll do without them. They make me so happy. Still want someone to cuddle and be with though

Haha well if someone like him can manage to find someone like Hermes, there's definitely still hope for me yet! \(^o^)/

火と煙

Spent new years eve at home, had dinner with my parents. Took a nice nap and almost overslept. Rushed to meet janet for mini countdown. Almost didn't make it hahah.

Was nice spending new years eve with her, considering i'll probably be drinking my ass off in some club somewhere haha. We basically finished all those sparklers in a span of a few minutes. Felt like pyro with all the sparklers haha. More smoke than anything tho.

Traveled to simpang for some food and gosh it was packed like crazy. Ate some Indian rojak and the drinks took super long to arrive. Went over to have some foot massage. The guy used a lot of force man. Ankles still hurting now.

That was about it I guess. Simple but great.

The past year was filled with many ups and downs. And I've learnt to be less expecting of things and to be happier. Also learnt who were my friends through and true. I've lost significant weight and gotten much fitter as well. Promoted twice, and learnt to enjoy myself in army. Grandma passed on last year too, but she's in a better place now. Miss her lots. Cousin's got married, sister has a new bf, and I'm still single hahahaha.

I don't have much of a new years resolution but I guess one would be to stay happy. It sounds pretty generic but it means so much to me to be happy. To be contented with what I have and not too expect much. That's all I really need.

Here's hoping that 2015 will be a good year, with happy and fulfilling events throughout.

:)

December.

Well now that i thought of it, December went by pretty quickly. Just when I've gotten in the mood and spirit, it's almost ending soon.

First week of December was pretty memorable because many friends and colleagues in camp ORDed. These people made my life in camp so much better and fun, and I owe it all to them for making it so. Memories were made and friendships forged. I'm gonna miss them much, life in camp isn't going to be the same without them.

It also marked the start of ptp enlistment. Things started getting busy and hectic, lots of work to do. Didn't get to have much time to rest as well. Except for the days I had to clear leave. Those were nice much needed breaks.

Spent my birthday in camp as well, isn't a big deal though. It's starting to feel like it's just another day. Nothing special. Did duty with MSG Isaac, fun guy. Had a nice dinner with my family on Sunday, then back to camp again.

Went to bake some cookies with janet, quite intresting and fun too haha. Also received a birthday letter from her, which was pretty nice. The lion at the back damn cute can. Hahah.

Went cycling the next week in ubin, got caught in the rain many times. Quite shag. Not used to cycling trails anymore. Nice to feel the dirt again though. Took my gopro out for a spin, not bad, though I think I screwed up the screen :(

Had a nice Christmas lunch with my family at jacks place. Ate some awesome steak and cake. Michelle came back from her studies too. Real good to have her back for good. Miss her so much. Though she's always been closer to my sis more than anything, and I've always had my older cousin's,  but still family is still family and it's always nice to have someone around. 

Went to bugis today with Janet today as well! Bought myself a new bag, ate ramen and smoked a whole lot. Well myself mostly. Haha. Was supposed to meet for shisha a week before on a Friday night but got cancelled as she could meet with shuk in the end. In all truth, I was pretty bummed out about the whole thing. Well we met up and I'm glad she made the time for me today. Even received about present too! More than half way through it now though hahah. 

So December's almost over. Birthday is over. Christmas came and gone. And this year is drawing to a close. 

Resolutions for the next year? Just to remain happy and cheerful despite the circumstances. 

Mind my chinky eyes

Wedding

So it was my cousin Petrina's wedding today. Helped out since 5+ am, with the preparations and all that. Really fun too. Witnessed the gatecrash and the stuff the guys had to do. Haha overwhelming.

I'm real happy for her. But I'm sad she'll no longer be the same refuge in puns and witty conversions in the future during family gatherings. There's still Pauline but without her it won't be the same. Still proud and happy for her though. :)

I feel myself when I'm with my cousins. They're like the bigger sisters I've never really had. I'm just able to connect with them more I guess. I really cherish them lots.