Tired

I wouldn't say miserable. But it was a real tired week. Work was just. Just.. I don't know how to describe. Oc not around. 2ic busy. Wsm has his own work, eugene on mc 3 days of the week, everything falls onto my hands.

Suddenly I'm responsible for everything. Suddenly I'm the point of contact. Suddenly all me. Suddenly everything.

I'm just feeling so tired and annoyed now. I wanna just hug my ducky to sleep and just fuck everything and everyone.

Tired of everything. Of work, money, studies, friends, family, plus being physically tired all the time. My sister problem isn't helping at all. I don't think it's stress? It's just the feeling of being constantly drained. Like I have no more left to give.

I don't want to do anything anymore. Gosh I'm just feeling so inclined to give up. It's like no one gives a shit anymore and I shouldn't as well. Fuck this tbh. Goodbye.

電車男

Been a while since I posted anything. Guess you can say things are going pretty well. Another few more months to Ord means I'll have to start working or studying soon. Possibly both.

Just read finished train man, gosh the geeks are really cute. Their support for tren despite their jealousness really heartwarming. Plus the transformation from geek unsure of calling her to one that gets together with the girl he loves is vast.

I like how he tries to be another person when around her just to impress her haha. Dressing up and all that. Come to think of it, despite how I act and all, I think deep inside me I'm quite soft, and kinda like cute things. But not many know of it I guess. One of the biggest mistakes I made was throwing away all my old stuff toys :'(

So thankful I have my duckies and biscuit around now! Don't know what I'll do without them. They make me so happy. Still want someone to cuddle and be with though

Haha well if someone like him can manage to find someone like Hermes, there's definitely still hope for me yet! \(^o^)/

火と煙

Spent new years eve at home, had dinner with my parents. Took a nice nap and almost overslept. Rushed to meet janet for mini countdown. Almost didn't make it hahah.

Was nice spending new years eve with her, considering i'll probably be drinking my ass off in some club somewhere haha. We basically finished all those sparklers in a span of a few minutes. Felt like pyro with all the sparklers haha. More smoke than anything tho.

Traveled to simpang for some food and gosh it was packed like crazy. Ate some Indian rojak and the drinks took super long to arrive. Went over to have some foot massage. The guy used a lot of force man. Ankles still hurting now.

That was about it I guess. Simple but great.

The past year was filled with many ups and downs. And I've learnt to be less expecting of things and to be happier. Also learnt who were my friends through and true. I've lost significant weight and gotten much fitter as well. Promoted twice, and learnt to enjoy myself in army. Grandma passed on last year too, but she's in a better place now. Miss her lots. Cousin's got married, sister has a new bf, and I'm still single hahahaha.

I don't have much of a new years resolution but I guess one would be to stay happy. It sounds pretty generic but it means so much to me to be happy. To be contented with what I have and not too expect much. That's all I really need.

Here's hoping that 2015 will be a good year, with happy and fulfilling events throughout.

:)

December.

Well now that i thought of it, December went by pretty quickly. Just when I've gotten in the mood and spirit, it's almost ending soon.

First week of December was pretty memorable because many friends and colleagues in camp ORDed. These people made my life in camp so much better and fun, and I owe it all to them for making it so. Memories were made and friendships forged. I'm gonna miss them much, life in camp isn't going to be the same without them.

It also marked the start of ptp enlistment. Things started getting busy and hectic, lots of work to do. Didn't get to have much time to rest as well. Except for the days I had to clear leave. Those were nice much needed breaks.

Spent my birthday in camp as well, isn't a big deal though. It's starting to feel like it's just another day. Nothing special. Did duty with MSG Isaac, fun guy. Had a nice dinner with my family on Sunday, then back to camp again.

Went to bake some cookies with janet, quite intresting and fun too haha. Also received a birthday letter from her, which was pretty nice. The lion at the back damn cute can. Hahah.

Went cycling the next week in ubin, got caught in the rain many times. Quite shag. Not used to cycling trails anymore. Nice to feel the dirt again though. Took my gopro out for a spin, not bad, though I think I screwed up the screen :(

Had a nice Christmas lunch with my family at jacks place. Ate some awesome steak and cake. Michelle came back from her studies too. Real good to have her back for good. Miss her so much. Though she's always been closer to my sis more than anything, and I've always had my older cousin's,  but still family is still family and it's always nice to have someone around. 

Went to bugis today with Janet today as well! Bought myself a new bag, ate ramen and smoked a whole lot. Well myself mostly. Haha. Was supposed to meet for shisha a week before on a Friday night but got cancelled as she could meet with shuk in the end. In all truth, I was pretty bummed out about the whole thing. Well we met up and I'm glad she made the time for me today. Even received about present too! More than half way through it now though hahah. 

So December's almost over. Birthday is over. Christmas came and gone. And this year is drawing to a close. 

Resolutions for the next year? Just to remain happy and cheerful despite the circumstances. 

Mind my chinky eyes

Wedding

So it was my cousin Petrina's wedding today. Helped out since 5+ am, with the preparations and all that. Really fun too. Witnessed the gatecrash and the stuff the guys had to do. Haha overwhelming.

I'm real happy for her. But I'm sad she'll no longer be the same refuge in puns and witty conversions in the future during family gatherings. There's still Pauline but without her it won't be the same. Still proud and happy for her though. :)

I feel myself when I'm with my cousins. They're like the bigger sisters I've never really had. I'm just able to connect with them more I guess. I really cherish them lots. 

Reflection

So I was sick since the start of the week, felt like shit, but not too bad now. Started with running nose, developed into full fledged flu within a day, then cough, until I couldn't even have 5 minutes without coughing. And asthma in the middle of the night. Three straight days of MC ftw. Well, that gave me a significant bit of time to think about things. 

I think I've come to accept things already. Everything about who I am, what I have, etc. I think I can honestly say that I'm happy. I've learnt to manage my expectations and disappointments, and I feel at ease now. Since the last blog update (read: depression kicking in), my mindset has changed a lot. Now I'm just like, "no girlfriend ah, single lor. nevermind what." haha. Yes, it still would be nice to have a girlfriend, but it's okay not to have one. All that matters at the end is family and friends that love and care for you. That's enough. And I'm pretty happy to say that I do have those. :)

So, things that happened the past month that ultimately made me feel this way.

The month started off pretty hectic, with 16km, 24km route march, recruit's night and POP all within a week. Then had to rush end of BMT documents and shit. Afterwards, things started to slow down, and the pace gradually slowed to a crawl. Took MC in the middle of the week because I couldn't wake up that morning, then went to school to build some models and painting. A little mid week break which was well deserved :). Then came the bomb. Janet messaged me when I was riding back home from camp. She said she was going to the hospital because she popped her knee. Whoa, wtf. I rushed home and changed, then took a cab straight to CGH to meet her. It wasn't as bad as I expected but still whoa. Doc thinks she just pulled something. I was really expecting much worse. Well afterwards we had some jap bento dinner with sashimi, and pushed her around in a wheelchair haha. I was like her maid for the day. Shuk didn't visit as he had plans for the night, and yeah, things that I'm not at liberty to say. Well end state, I hope he realises his wrongdoing and I do wish the best for them. Anyway,  made sure she went back home safe then I went out with Yanxiang and Chinwee for shisha. We shared for it but they ended up smoking a little only. I shouldn't be complaining though haha. Woke up real late the next day, just in time to meet the guys for DINNER. Went to Thomson for Astons, then I went to meet Janet again to have a chat. Talked for quite a bit, played some crosswords (man, I suck) then went home. 

Then came deepavali. Practically spent the whole day at home durdling* around accomplishing nothing haha. Took off the next day, met with Janet and went to Bugis. Ate four seasons ramen *nomnomnom* then went bugis street to shop for berms. Bought myself 2 sets of berms and t shirts. She bought few things, consisting of a dress, skirt, and a blouse. But, didn't buy her berms in the end hah. She had to leave to coach her kids and I went to school to do more painting. met up for dinner again at Simei for jap food. Went to catch a movie on Saturday with Chinwee and Tauhuey at Bugis junction. We watched fury! My kind of movie, about war and especially tanks. Went to meet with the usual Saturday bunch of guys for dinner at Just Acia, came home for some gaming till late. 

Next bomb. Went to work on Monday, started having running nose. I thought it was just my usual sinus acting up in the morning as always, but it didn't stop even until the afternoon. It got worse even. My nose wouldn't stop leaking, I couldn't stop sneezing. Gosh my nose really was hurting. By evening, my eyes felt really sunken and I had a bad headache. Went home and took some panadol flu, thinking it would help and I went to sleep early. Kept waking up in the middle of the night to sneeze. So annoying. Couldn't really rest well. Decided to see the doctor in the morning for MC. Didn't wake up in time to see the polyclinc doctor, so I went to the GP instead. Thank God for the CHAS card, else the bill is gonna be fuuuyohh. Doc gave one day MC, meh. I thought nevermind la, it's just flu. Met Janet in the afternoon for massage at west plaza. Shiok yo. Then bought ingredients for dinner. Salmon, bacon, broccoli, mushrooms, pasta, chicken! Came over to my place to cook. I didn't realise she hasn't been to my house before. After all these years and going to her place so many times, she hasn't been to my place haha. She's a great cook yo. Taught me how to season the salmon, more importantly cook veggies. I can never get those right. Time to practice when my parents get back. I wanna cook for them. Spent about and hour and a half cooking and prepping. After eating, we just nua on the sofa and watched Chinese shows. Then she fell asleep :| Oh well, looks like I'm washing the dishes alone I guess haha. All was good, until night time. I couldn't stop coughing. The flu mutated into a cough. Apparently it was Upper Respiratory Tract Infection (URTI). My body just kept coughing, trying to expel phlegm, but at that time there was none. So it just kept coughing and coughing. I just shrugged it off and went to sleep. Ended up waking in the middle of the night with breathing difficulties. My chest was tight, I struggled for breath, trying to find my inhaler in the dark. Don't know why I didn't think of turning on the light at that time. I wasn't thinking straight I guess. Manged to find it in what seemed like forever, probably only about a minute, max. Took a couple of puffs, sat down on the floor for 

15mins or so. Repeated for a few times then managed to get the breathing under control and back to sleep. Woke up early (because I couldn't sleep well) to see the doc at the polyclinc. Put me on the nebulizer, gave me medications, the usual. But what was really surprising was that this was the first time ever that I;ve had two attacks within a month of each other. And the one before the last was wayyyyy back in Pri school. I guess this is something new I have to look out for now.

So here I am, after a whole day of thinking and doing nothing. Writing this down. I guess after these events, it made me realise what to focus in life, who are the people that care, and why I shouldn't bother about the things that made me depressed. With janet injuring herself and going to the hospital, it made me really scared at that time, I didn't know what to do or how I'd feel if something major happened to her. Especially with the asthma, in addition to my injuries, life is really precious. And that I really have to take care of my health and body. Not just myself, but take care of the people I care about in other aspects as well. I guess in the case of Shuk and Janet, he has to realise that he was wrong by himself, only then can they move forward. Else, it'll be such a waste. They're really adorable together :3 But then again, what do I know? I'm the forever alone guy hahah.

I think I'm not elated, but I'm contented. I'm happy. With what I have. There are people I love and care for, and I know there are people that care for me as well. I'm really thankful. :)

bacon weave muthafuckas!

feast.

*durdling

To durdle:

To stand around and do nothing; taking a long time doing an action or set of actions and accomplishing nothing. wasting time

That one word pretty much sums up me right there. 

Depression kicking in

Been feeling rather down lately. It's like there's so little and so much on my mind at the same time. I want attention yet want to be alone as well. Sigh. I guess I should just keep it to myself. I think it's better that way.
Wouldn't it be nice to have someone to hug right now? Someone that knows what's going on in my head, so no explanation is needed. Someone to be there. I don't even know what I'm saying lol.

I can't even write down what I feel. I don't know how to express it in words or actions. It just feels like that.

Maybe I'm just lonely I guess. Need to keep myself occupied with things. I should start reading again. Focus on my painting. Start taking driving lessons.

Parents are leaving to UK for a month next week, so I guess I'll just be staying in camp a lot more then. Because what's the point. At least I can run and gym inside there. Save money too.

Maybe it's better to disappear. From everyone and everything. 

Sigh.