December.

Well now that i thought of it, December went by pretty quickly. Just when I've gotten in the mood and spirit, it's almost ending soon.

First week of December was pretty memorable because many friends and colleagues in camp ORDed. These people made my life in camp so much better and fun, and I owe it all to them for making it so. Memories were made and friendships forged. I'm gonna miss them much, life in camp isn't going to be the same without them.

It also marked the start of ptp enlistment. Things started getting busy and hectic, lots of work to do. Didn't get to have much time to rest as well. Except for the days I had to clear leave. Those were nice much needed breaks.

Spent my birthday in camp as well, isn't a big deal though. It's starting to feel like it's just another day. Nothing special. Did duty with MSG Isaac, fun guy. Had a nice dinner with my family on Sunday, then back to camp again.

Went to bake some cookies with janet, quite intresting and fun too haha. Also received a birthday letter from her, which was pretty nice. The lion at the back damn cute can. Hahah.

Went cycling the next week in ubin, got caught in the rain many times. Quite shag. Not used to cycling trails anymore. Nice to feel the dirt again though. Took my gopro out for a spin, not bad, though I think I screwed up the screen :(

Had a nice Christmas lunch with my family at jacks place. Ate some awesome steak and cake. Michelle came back from her studies too. Real good to have her back for good. Miss her so much. Though she's always been closer to my sis more than anything, and I've always had my older cousin's,  but still family is still family and it's always nice to have someone around. 

Went to bugis today with Janet today as well! Bought myself a new bag, ate ramen and smoked a whole lot. Well myself mostly. Haha. Was supposed to meet for shisha a week before on a Friday night but got cancelled as she could meet with shuk in the end. In all truth, I was pretty bummed out about the whole thing. Well we met up and I'm glad she made the time for me today. Even received about present too! More than half way through it now though hahah. 

So December's almost over. Birthday is over. Christmas came and gone. And this year is drawing to a close. 

Resolutions for the next year? Just to remain happy and cheerful despite the circumstances. 

Mind my chinky eyes

Wedding

So it was my cousin Petrina's wedding today. Helped out since 5+ am, with the preparations and all that. Really fun too. Witnessed the gatecrash and the stuff the guys had to do. Haha overwhelming.

I'm real happy for her. But I'm sad she'll no longer be the same refuge in puns and witty conversions in the future during family gatherings. There's still Pauline but without her it won't be the same. Still proud and happy for her though. :)

I feel myself when I'm with my cousins. They're like the bigger sisters I've never really had. I'm just able to connect with them more I guess. I really cherish them lots. 

Reflection

So I was sick since the start of the week, felt like shit, but not too bad now. Started with running nose, developed into full fledged flu within a day, then cough, until I couldn't even have 5 minutes without coughing. And asthma in the middle of the night. Three straight days of MC ftw. Well, that gave me a significant bit of time to think about things. 

I think I've come to accept things already. Everything about who I am, what I have, etc. I think I can honestly say that I'm happy. I've learnt to manage my expectations and disappointments, and I feel at ease now. Since the last blog update (read: depression kicking in), my mindset has changed a lot. Now I'm just like, "no girlfriend ah, single lor. nevermind what." haha. Yes, it still would be nice to have a girlfriend, but it's okay not to have one. All that matters at the end is family and friends that love and care for you. That's enough. And I'm pretty happy to say that I do have those. :)

So, things that happened the past month that ultimately made me feel this way.

The month started off pretty hectic, with 16km, 24km route march, recruit's night and POP all within a week. Then had to rush end of BMT documents and shit. Afterwards, things started to slow down, and the pace gradually slowed to a crawl. Took MC in the middle of the week because I couldn't wake up that morning, then went to school to build some models and painting. A little mid week break which was well deserved :). Then came the bomb. Janet messaged me when I was riding back home from camp. She said she was going to the hospital because she popped her knee. Whoa, wtf. I rushed home and changed, then took a cab straight to CGH to meet her. It wasn't as bad as I expected but still whoa. Doc thinks she just pulled something. I was really expecting much worse. Well afterwards we had some jap bento dinner with sashimi, and pushed her around in a wheelchair haha. I was like her maid for the day. Shuk didn't visit as he had plans for the night, and yeah, things that I'm not at liberty to say. Well end state, I hope he realises his wrongdoing and I do wish the best for them. Anyway,  made sure she went back home safe then I went out with Yanxiang and Chinwee for shisha. We shared for it but they ended up smoking a little only. I shouldn't be complaining though haha. Woke up real late the next day, just in time to meet the guys for DINNER. Went to Thomson for Astons, then I went to meet Janet again to have a chat. Talked for quite a bit, played some crosswords (man, I suck) then went home. 

Then came deepavali. Practically spent the whole day at home durdling* around accomplishing nothing haha. Took off the next day, met with Janet and went to Bugis. Ate four seasons ramen *nomnomnom* then went bugis street to shop for berms. Bought myself 2 sets of berms and t shirts. She bought few things, consisting of a dress, skirt, and a blouse. But, didn't buy her berms in the end hah. She had to leave to coach her kids and I went to school to do more painting. met up for dinner again at Simei for jap food. Went to catch a movie on Saturday with Chinwee and Tauhuey at Bugis junction. We watched fury! My kind of movie, about war and especially tanks. Went to meet with the usual Saturday bunch of guys for dinner at Just Acia, came home for some gaming till late. 

Next bomb. Went to work on Monday, started having running nose. I thought it was just my usual sinus acting up in the morning as always, but it didn't stop even until the afternoon. It got worse even. My nose wouldn't stop leaking, I couldn't stop sneezing. Gosh my nose really was hurting. By evening, my eyes felt really sunken and I had a bad headache. Went home and took some panadol flu, thinking it would help and I went to sleep early. Kept waking up in the middle of the night to sneeze. So annoying. Couldn't really rest well. Decided to see the doctor in the morning for MC. Didn't wake up in time to see the polyclinc doctor, so I went to the GP instead. Thank God for the CHAS card, else the bill is gonna be fuuuyohh. Doc gave one day MC, meh. I thought nevermind la, it's just flu. Met Janet in the afternoon for massage at west plaza. Shiok yo. Then bought ingredients for dinner. Salmon, bacon, broccoli, mushrooms, pasta, chicken! Came over to my place to cook. I didn't realise she hasn't been to my house before. After all these years and going to her place so many times, she hasn't been to my place haha. She's a great cook yo. Taught me how to season the salmon, more importantly cook veggies. I can never get those right. Time to practice when my parents get back. I wanna cook for them. Spent about and hour and a half cooking and prepping. After eating, we just nua on the sofa and watched Chinese shows. Then she fell asleep :| Oh well, looks like I'm washing the dishes alone I guess haha. All was good, until night time. I couldn't stop coughing. The flu mutated into a cough. Apparently it was Upper Respiratory Tract Infection (URTI). My body just kept coughing, trying to expel phlegm, but at that time there was none. So it just kept coughing and coughing. I just shrugged it off and went to sleep. Ended up waking in the middle of the night with breathing difficulties. My chest was tight, I struggled for breath, trying to find my inhaler in the dark. Don't know why I didn't think of turning on the light at that time. I wasn't thinking straight I guess. Manged to find it in what seemed like forever, probably only about a minute, max. Took a couple of puffs, sat down on the floor for 

15mins or so. Repeated for a few times then managed to get the breathing under control and back to sleep. Woke up early (because I couldn't sleep well) to see the doc at the polyclinc. Put me on the nebulizer, gave me medications, the usual. But what was really surprising was that this was the first time ever that I;ve had two attacks within a month of each other. And the one before the last was wayyyyy back in Pri school. I guess this is something new I have to look out for now.

So here I am, after a whole day of thinking and doing nothing. Writing this down. I guess after these events, it made me realise what to focus in life, who are the people that care, and why I shouldn't bother about the things that made me depressed. With janet injuring herself and going to the hospital, it made me really scared at that time, I didn't know what to do or how I'd feel if something major happened to her. Especially with the asthma, in addition to my injuries, life is really precious. And that I really have to take care of my health and body. Not just myself, but take care of the people I care about in other aspects as well. I guess in the case of Shuk and Janet, he has to realise that he was wrong by himself, only then can they move forward. Else, it'll be such a waste. They're really adorable together :3 But then again, what do I know? I'm the forever alone guy hahah.

I think I'm not elated, but I'm contented. I'm happy. With what I have. There are people I love and care for, and I know there are people that care for me as well. I'm really thankful. :)

bacon weave muthafuckas!

feast.

*durdling

To durdle:

To stand around and do nothing; taking a long time doing an action or set of actions and accomplishing nothing. wasting time

That one word pretty much sums up me right there. 

Depression kicking in

Been feeling rather down lately. It's like there's so little and so much on my mind at the same time. I want attention yet want to be alone as well. Sigh. I guess I should just keep it to myself. I think it's better that way.
Wouldn't it be nice to have someone to hug right now? Someone that knows what's going on in my head, so no explanation is needed. Someone to be there. I don't even know what I'm saying lol.

I can't even write down what I feel. I don't know how to express it in words or actions. It just feels like that.

Maybe I'm just lonely I guess. Need to keep myself occupied with things. I should start reading again. Focus on my painting. Start taking driving lessons.

Parents are leaving to UK for a month next week, so I guess I'll just be staying in camp a lot more then. Because what's the point. At least I can run and gym inside there. Save money too.

Maybe it's better to disappear. From everyone and everything. 

Sigh.

Happiness

"Happiness is like a butterfly.
The more you chase it
The more it will elude you.
But if you turn your attention to other things,
It will come and sit softly on your shoulder."
-Henry David Thoreau

It doesn't take much to make me happy

All it takes is good company and a little salmon. :)

That said, had awesome sashimi yesterday at tamp 1 with janet. Accompanied her to get her nails done before that too. It's great that she made the time to meet me bro 43 she leaves for indo. Thankful!

All the best this weekend and overseas! Take care of yourself okay?

On the downside, I had asthma attack on Wednesday. Was sent by ambulance to hospital. Pretty sudden and frightening. All is well now though.

In other news, field camp was pretty shag. Actually really really tiring. Had some fun and I'm glad it's over. Had some awesome views of nature and it's beauty.

Pre - field camp indulgence

Crab.

Had my fix of crab before field camp starts. :)

Met with janet after work to have dinner at simei. Again epic pillion skills. Shag tho. Especially after the meal. But so worth it for the krabby.

If you're reading this, Thanks so much for the meal yo! I might not be able to meet you for the next couple of weeks but I'll still be contactable if you need anything. Take care of yourself and thanks for everything!

Quack!

It's okay. Just keep smiling. :)

Sigh I want my own smartie.

Sian

Past few days resting and recuperating and I'm still sick. Back to work tomorrow and duty the day after.

Sigh. Like anyone gives a shit.

I don't want to be alone anymore.

Sian

Past few days resting and recuperating and I'm still sick. Back to work tomorrow and duty the day after.

Sigh. Like anyone gives a shit.

I don't want to be alone anymore.

Sian

Past few days resting and recuperating and I'm still sick. Back to work tomorrow and duty the day after.

Sigh. Like anyone gives a shit.

I don't want to be alone anymore.

Lonely weekend

Don't you love it when people change plans and don't inform you? I don't. Left the house then realised no point meeting. Decided to go home and do nothing rather than travel all the way to Dover to do nothing, just to travel back home again.

Stayed home, played some computer games, built some models. Just my models and me. Oh there's duckie too!

Was actually not that bad until I realised I was sick. Started feeling miserable. Fever, body ache, headache, sore throat. Don't know what's going on.

Just feeling like shit now. Watching chick flicks on TV now. Always about guys getting the girl of his dreams in the end, vice versa. Sigh. If only life was like that. :(

Maybe I'm just being selfish. Maybe you had a bad day, maybe you had a lot on your mind. Maybe a lot of things.

I'm too selfish. Maybe. I'm a bad son, a bad friend and a bad person. Maybe I don't deserve anything.
Since no one will say it, good night Dexter.

I give up

Well it doesn't matter to anyone that I wasn't home, I was tired like fuck, and I wasn't happy? Apparently so. Might as well just stay in and fuck everyone and everything right?

I come home tired and shit not expecting you to open the door for me and stuff. Yet you all still fall below my expectations. You just sit there. Both of you. Doing whatever fuck you were doing. Didn't even bother turning your head towards me. Didn't mutter anything. Not a simple hello. Yet when you had to move your leg and your items to make way for me and my bike, you were grumpy. Sorry I'm a hindrance. Sorry for coming home. Not a hello, not a good night.

I wanted to share what happened in camp the past few days, listen to what's going on at home. Just spend some time with you guys since I'm staying in tomorrow night as well. Well I couldn't even get a simple hello. Except my mum. But still fuck you guys.

Like I said. I might as well just stay in then. Fuck everyone. It may even make you miss me more. I'll spend less money and effort too. More sleep as well.

Fml. I shouldn't even care anymore.

Day 100

Woke up early and decided to take a short run, weather was nice and condusive. Came back to shower and went to sleep back haha.

Woke up again in the afternoon, had lunch with mum at drive 6. Went to school to do some painting. Realised I forgot to bring some parts, so I only painted 2 necron warriors. Played some war thunder there, taught others how to paint and stuff. Mostly talked shit with them haha.

Went over to westgate with the guys afterwards for dinner. All of us being indecisive fucks, we couldn't decide on what to eat. Walked around for a while till we decided on hot tomato. Needless to say I ordered salmon. Mwahahaha. Had some salad too. Bought some salmon sashimi later on at isetan.

Went home to take my bike then cycled over to aunt's place to chit chat a while then headed off to simei for some PT with janet. 3 rounds yo. I wish my back didn't hurt so much though. Good exercise nonetheless. Feel like running again tomorrow too. Rode to simei mrt coffee shop for a drink and a chat, sent her back home and I headed home as well. Also, awesome pillion skillz yo. My poor bike tho :( hahaha.

Reached home then played some computer, then here I am writing this.

So its already been 100 days. What have I achieved? Well I feel lighter and happier in general. But I can improve. On my attitude, fitness and thoughts. This 100 days may have ended, and I may not post everyday anymore. But it doesn't mean that I'll stop smiling, be cheerful and kind. I'll still work to achieve my goals and dreams too. Throughout this journey, there were bad days and good days. But everything that happened is a lesson to be learnt, so that I can move on and be a better person.

I may not be a good writer, and I can't express what I feel in words. But I hope that everyone knows that I am thankful for everyone who made me who I am today. Thanks for everything. I love you all.

100 km on the 100th day. Haha.

Day 99

Woke up at 5am, duty stuff. Played anthem etc. Follow up reports and shit. Had more work to do afterwards too. All the way till 7pm. Almost missed the bus. Haha called the guard room to stop the bus.

Had dinner with parents at drive 6, shared what happened in camp and stuff like that. Came home and played com all the way. Been a while since I played properly. Feels good to be back in the game. Out of touch for too long alr.

Feeling very lazy recently. No mood to do anything. Just wanna laze around and sleep. Good night aliens.

Day 98

Duty day, pretty busy tho. With parade rehearsals and weapon presentation. Essentially doing two jobs at one go.

Fucked up the speech for the presentation. But I don't really care anymore. Whatever lor. Haha no mood.

Ordered pizza in with the DO. Haha he's gonna ord soon. Too full tho. Gave some away to another encik hah. 肥。

Watched bad neighbours, jarhead 2. Haha that's it.

Cluster

Clusterfuck because I haven't been updating. Here we go.

Day 92

Came into work for a while, prepared some enlistment stuff then headed to tampines safra for cohesion buffet. Lots of salmon, tuna and did I mention salmon? Went for snooker afterwards and then home to play com. Did some PT at simei with janet, then took a ride down to cv to eat nasi lemak.

Day 93

National day. Went to gamersaurus for some games, plan was for janet to come over to have dinner at moo ka ta. Last minute change to have dinner at mountbatten instead. On the way there then realised it was actually aljunied. Uhm ok. Went there and realised it was the place. Hmm sensitive area. Mood started to go bad then. Not so much about the last minute changes, but also the fact that it had to be this of all places. Sigh. Felt like crap too. A mixture of anger, sadness and shit at once. I wanted to be alone. 

Day 94

Slept in. Went to fengshan for bak chor mee. Settled some chores at home then went for dinner. Afterwards, met with janet to help her with her work then foot massage. Ate claypot for supper and chatted a lot. Went to hobo at one dark corner as well. Till around 5 plus jesus. Then booked into camp haha. Very tired. Tired but thankful. Even though she was busy with her work, she still made time to be there for me when I felt like shit and wanted to be alone. I felt really touched and grateful. And tired too haha. 

Day 95

Enlistment day. No sleep. By the time I reached camp, showered and stuff, it was ready almost 6. Almost fell asleep and the national anthem has to sound. Then second time, falling asleep again, my bunk mate woke me up as we were needed downstairs to report to sir. Fml. Smoked another 3 ciggs in the morning and spammed coffee. Really grumpy, low tolerance and short fused. Been like this the whole day until I went home at night. Collapsed on bed really quickly. 

Day 96

Went to work as usual, nothing major. Just pretty busy. Staying in, so decided to take a ride to west plaza. Ended up eating cup noodles due to fucked up circumstances. Pathetic yo.

Day 97

Fire drill in the morning. Couldn't bother to give a shit. Woke up really late tho. Walked around during the drill with snacks in hand haha. Managed to sneak away to gym for a bit. I think u pulled something. My right tricep hurts like hell. Sigh. Then rode over to simpang for dinner with janet. Dinner was good, very filling. Penyet ftw. Went over to reflexole, feels so different from donglin. The atmosphere and ambience omg. I slept halfway through the massage. Haha shiok uh. Cycled home alone as she didn't ride there. Gosh her bus is slow. I reached her house bus stop before her bus. Haha. Fast yo. 

Day 91

Lots of work to do, very last minute just before enlistment. Managed to sleep for just over 2 hours in the morning in bunk, before calls were being made to my phone. At least I got some rest.

Went to gym afterwards, and we were released early at 4.30pm. Went home to start settling my computer. It's more or less done, but the Internet speed sucks. I think it's the router. Not sure to change the router or come up with a wired system at home. Theoretically would be super fast.

Meanwhile, managed to read the book. Spent 2 hours plus reading it. Left with the last 2 chapters to go, loving the book. I love how the author plays into their emotions and feelings. And how well she describes the environment and situation the characters are in, in detail. I can't wait for the ending. But I'm too tired to read. Barely opening my eyes now. Probably tomorrow after work.

Having a cohesion lunch tomorrow, sakura buffet. Here's hoping that there'll be sushi and sashimi. Oh man I hope so.

Day 90

Usual work. Usual gym session. Still got shit to settle before enlistment. Ugh.

Cycled to lnt after work to get myself a speedo, then went to have dinner with janet. Went to a Japanese place called moyama? Something like that? Around bedok area. The food was okay, can't complain because of what we're paying.

Did some PT later on as well. Dem shoulders hurt now yo. Actually I kinda miss running. Hmmm.

Super shag now, gonna k.o on my bed soon.

Day 89

Slept in the morning. Not feeling too well, decided to rest. Started working in the afternoon. There's so much shit to settle before bmt starts.

Shall cycle to camp tomorrow. Might work late so no transport too. Can cycle straight to simpang for dinner after that as well.

Might get a speedo tomorrow. Should start keeping track how much I cycle. Since I actually would clock distances with my bike now. Would make sense to have one.

Lonely dinner tonight too. Settled work stuff till night, then ate at West plaza afterwards. Awesome chicken rice! It's the next best thing to salmon. Mmmm.

Computer's fucked up now. Need cheng to settle for me. My patience is too low and I have no tolerance for computer shit. Plus he should have reformatted it at his place like I said. But he isn't free so I don't know what to do.

No games tonight so I did some painting. Tested a colour scheme for the necrons. It works but my hand is too unstable and wobbly. So the lines didn't turn out as expected but the colours works!

Day 88

Work as per usual. Falling sick. Flu cough stomach ache. Ugh.

I feel damn drained. Physically and mentally. And it's not helping that my sis is going through this shit. I'm not even sure if it's just a phase she's going through or not.

Day 87

Back feels sore. It's like he bruised my back and shoulders by massaging it. Feels good somehow. Haha.

Cleared my room a little. Mostly played watch dogs. Can't clear last mission ugh.

Can't wait for fibre broadband tomorrow. Excited!! Imagine all those games I can finally play without lag. Oh wow. The possibilities are endless!

Went to cv for dinner with family. Been a whole since we ate together. Mutton soup with rice, with some satay! Fat tho. Hahahah. So much for self control and diet.

Work tomorrow, early morning. Bah. No transport either. Oh well. It's gym time mothafuckas!

Day 86

Woke up late. Slept back. Woke up again only because of hunger haha. Left for school, building the annihilation barge. Then went to gamersaurus to spend more money!

Haha bought myself a battleforce. Using the gst rebate thing. Gonna focus on building my necron army. Fuck the space marines. Seriously. Don't look good plus they don't win. Necrons looks bad ass and they kick ass.

Colour scheme testing tomorrow, and clearing my room so the starhub guy can use my com to configure the Internet. Sounds like a plan.

Day 85

Duty rest, worked till quite late. Went back and showered. Not long later went for PT with janet at the exercise corner. Shag balls. Abs hurt now.

Well it was worth it though. Awesome massage afterwards. Omg I can't elaborate and explain how awesome it was. I needed it for so long and I finally got a good back and shoulder massage. It feels like heaven now. I haven't been this relaxed in so long. Whole body feels so nua.

Went for supper afterwards. Well it was dinner for me though. Bak kut teh and claypot rice. Awesome possum. Janet and I were digging for the burnt rice like we haven't eaten in ages.

Good exercise, great food and an awesome massage. What could you ask for more?

Though it rained heavily afterwards and she got wet though. :(

Day 84

Duty day. A busy one too. Finally getting some rest. 3hrs of it. And it's work again. Then off to pasir laba camp as well.

Had macs for lunch and fried rice for supper. I seem to get nice duty officers. Most of the time at least. 90%? Haha. Chubsterchua tho. Eat and eat and eat.

Had some time to read the book. Though it's overdue. I don't care. Paying the fine is worth reading it at your own pace.