Day 23

Usual Saturday. Late lunch then school. Played war thunder again haha. Built some models, but mostly played computer.

Greg came, ugh. Anyway headed to gr afterwards. Not sure why though. No one bought anything, no one played. Just stood around and talked.

Went to Yanxiang's house afterwards for more war thunder. Then he sent me to aunt's place.

Feeling less meh now. Like I said before, things are looking up!

Janet has sundown marathon today, hope she finishes it safe and sound. Mcshag yo.

Day 22

Camp cohesion got cancelled. Thanks for the rain haha. Anyway got nagged by oc for not taking initiative. Kinda agree with him tho. Haha my fault.

Ended early, oc's birthday is tomorrow. Forgot to wish him. Oh well. Dhaya's last working day was today haha. Ord lo.

Came home waste time and shower. Left for school to do some modelling. Ended up playing war thunder and cleaning clubroom. Came up with a short tutorial video on rust streaks. Shall edit it some other time. Maybe tomorrow.

Day 21

Nothing to do at work today, show my face around the office and guess what, bunk time yo.

Dhayalan, the storeman is gonna ord soon, so we gave him a "treat". Poured water all over him all that. Haha pretty fun. Gotten wet as well.

Most fun at work. ever.

So I'll be going to Australia on the 26th to 2nd july. Short getaway yo. Looking forward.

Unbelievable

It's because of you that my hong kong trip is cancelled. Now I'm not sure if I will to Australia, or come up with another plan with janet. I haven't finalised anything yet. So why are you bugging me about Australia?

Yet you say why don't I talk and tell you things anymore? Well I have news for you. When I talk, do you listen? And when I tell you things, what happened the last time? I got screwed over by you and my whole trip cancelled.

Yet you wonder why. Unbelievable.

There goes my morning. Thanks.

Day 20

Went to work, settled daily administration stuff, went to sleep in bunk. Woke up at noon to have lunch then durdle around until about 3 then left camp. Self declared off yo.

Came home and decided to go for a run, lovely weather. Ran for two laps until my knee started to hurt again. Decided to do some PT instead. Back feels quite stiff now though. I need a stretch!

Cycled over to ite east afterwards, then ate penyet with janet. Awesome catfish, I swear. Dinner was nice.

I might go Australia in the end though, meet up with my cousin over there. We'll see how it goes.

Things are looking up! Starting to feel happy again. :)

Day 19

Nothing to do at work today. Went up to bunk and slept.

Had dinner with parents at E hub today. Walked past the thai restaurant that I used to eat with r. No feelings there. Not sure if I gotten over her or that everything else just covers that issue up. That said, still felt pretty meh today.

Went for a run, very slow run. Felt real tired though. I guess it isn't about the timing, but the effort you put into it? Also, my knee hurts like hell. Felt the pain after lap 6, still carried on. I guess the physical pain is better to look forward to, rather than emotional pain. Masochist much?

Yeah spoke to Janet today as well. Nice to finally speak to someone. It doesn't feel good not talking to anyone. She went through what I'm feeling as well, so she understands as well I guess. Talked about her future as well, I hope she's heading down the right track, don't wanna see her hurt again. Ever.Not a long talk, but enough to keep me going. Thanks Janet!

Erwartungen

Rested in bunk for 3 hours. Got me thinking. Maybe I think too highly of everyone. It's time to lower expectations. Then I'll probably won't be disappointed that easily.

Sounds like a plan.

Day 18

I slept. All the way through. From 6.30pm to 6.30am. Full 12 hours of sleep. Would have slept more if it wasn't for work, but I feel fresh. Still feel meh. But fresh nonetheless.

Didn't get to talk to janet yesterday. She's really busy rushing through her work. Hope she completes it!

Maybe I shouldn't delete my Facebook. Just start removing people. I don't know.

So much for 100 days of happy.

Facebook

Contemplating deleting my Facebook account. I don't update anything there anymore. Maybe pictures of my models and various groups. But otherwise, no personal stuff anymore.

Partly due to my parents are on my friends list, but mostly due to the bulk of my "friends" being anything but real friends. How many of them can I boldly say are real friends? And that they care for me? Vice versa.

Laying in bed now. Tired from work. Didn't have a good rest last night. Pretty sleepy. Gonna rest now. Hopefully things will be bright enough for me to do something happy today.

Still feeling quite meh.

Day 17

Went running, as mentioned in the earlier post. It's my new solace I guess. Mountain biking isn't anymore so I guess it's nice to find another. Especially now that I really need one.
Had teochew porridge for dinner with family. Not often we get the whole family around so it was nice.

Yeah the Hong Kong trip isn't gonna happen I think. Parents still headstrong about that decision. What can I do? They're my parents. I'll just have to accept it and move on I guess.

I feel like a rock. I didn't feel anything for the past two days. It just felt meh.

I'll end it on a happier note though. I lost another half kg I think haha. Still a long way to go though.

Keep pushing hard. I will succeed. I have to.

Solace

I might have found a new solace. Running. Ran 4+ km just now. Impromptu thing under the heat. Felt good.

Honestly. I didn't think of anything. I just ran. It feels like an escape. For those 30 minutes, I wasn't tired, angry, sad, or happy. I just felt peace. Just enjoying being baked under the sun, burning extra calories. Knowing that the further I run, the fitter I'll become. It was peaceful.

I just focused on running. There wasn't a target I set for myself. I just ran as much as I could. My mind just went screamed go! While my legs screamed stop! Haha.

Whole body drenched in sweat now. Did some PT too. Feels good. Back needs a stretch though.

I'm not happy that I ran. But I'm happy I found a solace. To take me away from all that pain and sorrow.

Was ist los mit mir?

What's wrong with me?

I yearn for affection, attention, happiness. Yet I don't feel any. Somehow I feel empty. Do I need to have a girl by my side to feel complete? I think so.

Last night's discussion brought up something. If I am willing to do so much for a best friend, how much am I willing to do for a girlfriend. I think the question should be, how much will I not do for a girlfriend.

I yearn someone to spend my time with, to cherish moments, both good and bad. I want to share both mundane and eventful memories with someone. I want to hug someone and tell them that everything will be alright, and for that person to do the same for me as well.

Is it so hard for me to find one? Or maybe there's something about me that impedes me form doing so?

I feel pathetic, useless and that I'm a failure. What have I really achieved in my life? 

Would it help if I cocooned myself to all emotions and feelings? Maybe I won't feel hurt this way.

I just need a reassuring voice to tell me that I will be alright and not to worry.

I need a hug.

Please?

Day 16

Woke up late. Ate lunch with mom. Nothing was spoken about last night. Talked about random stuff then I headed off for school. Brought so much stuff there to do. Didn't do anything. Touched up a tank there. Did some weathering to it. Played some war thunder there. A lot actually. Bah. No computer to play at home.

Went over to gamersaurus afterwards. Didn't play anything. Just sat down talk cock.

Didn't really feel happy today, but it didn't feel sad either. What's wrong with me.

Meh.

Am Ende des Tages

Am Ende des Tages, ich bin nur eine Katze, die, um es sich in einer Kugel, glücklich bleiben und die Welt zu ignorieren will

At the end of the day, i'm just a cat that wants to curl up in a ball, stay happy and ignore the world

I want to ignore it all. Because what's the point. It seems to be that I am living my life for you. Not for me. I live my life based on decisions predetermined by you. A false sense of belief that I had that I was in control of my life. How wrong was I.

This issue started because I needed to clear leave in June. 5 days worth of it. An apartment was available in Hong Kong, and Janet was free. So hey? Why not? Simple enough, two good friends going on a short getaway from the pressures and hassle of life.

Not in your mind.

You just had to think too much. What's wrong with two friends going on a holiday? What's wrong with two friends of the opposite sex going on a holiday? Nothing. Not to you at least. To you, everything has to have a hidden agenda. So when I explained that I have no feelings for Janet in that manner, you go crazy. You raised a point that, since she's not my girlfriend, why do I have to go with her. Are you that naive? Maybe you're paranoid. Maybe you're just thinking too much. But it's highly likely that you simply cannot put yourself to believe that I can have a best friend of the opposite gender. And even when I convinced you to get past that, you still come up with scenarios in your head, like what if she gets pregnant. WHAT THE FLYING FUCK, MOM. How naive can you get.

Why can't a guy and a girl be the best of friends? Is it so hard to believe that it is possible?

But that's not the end of it. You said put those issues aside. This house belongs to an aunt's friend. And that what will she think if two of us stayed there. Firstly, there isn't an issue to begin with. Secondly, it's unlikely you care about what she thinks of me to begin with. You care about what she thinks of you instead. How self-centred can you get.

A little background info: She used to tell me stories of her younger days. On how she used to lie to my grandma about going to a friend's house to study, but instead party, smoke, hang out with long haired guys which were much older than you were. Also about how your mom didn't understand and couldn't agree with you.

Sounds familiar doesn't it? Except that I didn't lie to you, and I don't lie to you. I could have simply told you that I was going with a group of guy friends and voila. I would be enjoying in Hong Kong like that. But no. I told you the truth. I didn't want to lie. I don't like to lie. And what happens. This shit.

Only you could cause me to be like this. Anger, hate, sorrow, all in one night, within one hour or so. And even after we argued, I came with teary eyes trying to talk to you. And you have the fucking cheek to tell me to stop using different strategies on you. STRATEGIES. That's what my own mother thinks of my emotions. My true, unfiltered and raw emotions. Are simply strategies to get what I want. Good job.

Sure, she said that she takes back what she said about my "strategies". The damage was done. It hurts so much. Do you even know?

Then you said, even if I had no feelings for Janet, it is possible that she has feelings for me? Or that she is using me. Again, WHAT THE FUCK.

My theory is that, you'll probably do this to a guy like me in the past (or maybe you even did). So you think that I will end up in a position like this. WELL NEWS FLASH. If I know Janet well enough, she isn't like that. Not like every description you said.

All that aside, you already came into this "discussion" with an outcome expected already. Expecting me to agree with you and cancel the trip. What basis is this for a discussion? It's more like a lecture. The end is already planned out, where all you need to do is guide me to the answer you want me to act out. Fuck you too.

I am still going to fight for the holiday. But I don't think it will work out. I can always force the issue and go, but you will always be my mother and after all these years of crap, I can never do that to you. You don't see that, do you? You don't see that I try so hard to be a good, filial son that you wanted. Maybe your expectations of me were too high. I'm sorry about that then. I try so hard, yet the recognition isn't there. It's as if that if I am a good son, I don't deserve anything because this is expected of me. However if I don't follow in your predetermined path for me, I'm a screwup.

How shallow you are.

I really need to talk to someone now. Or a simple reassuring hug that everything will be alright. But I don't want to disrupt Janet's Malaysia trip, Fred's on duty too.

Went for a run to clear my head. I don't want to think anymore. I'm just going to block everything that doesn't concern my happiness from now on. Unless it concerns people I truly care about. You couldn't understand that.

Like I said, I just want to curl up in a ball. Be a cat. Not giving a shit about the world. Staying focused on being happy and sleep my problems away.

Because at the end of the day, what is there for me?

Nothing.

Edit: Janet's feeling tired and stressed, I hope she feels better after her trip! Also why I don't wanna disturb her too, she's got a lot on her mind. :3

Day 15

Eventful day. But I shall keep this post reserved to happiness.

Half day work today! Came home and went for dinner with family at geylang for dimsumz.

Well that's basically anything happy that came out of it.

Day 14

Went to polyclinic to get meds plus mc. Headed over to Janet's place to help with her work. Yeap. She didn't wake up lol.

Mental mcshag yo.

Type halfway still can fall asleep haha. We had pizza for lunch! I hope I helped enough tho. Couldn't finish it :(

Came back home while she went for work. Slept all the way through. Still feel tired. Brain dead.

Good break from office nonetheless. Back to work tomorrow though.

Now excuse me while I go collapse on my bed once more.

Day 13

Work. The usual. Taking mc tmrw. Feeling sick tho. Bad weather for the past few days or maybe I ate something wrong. Bad tummy and running nose. Also good to take a break from the office. Just nice I guess to fall sick. Just when I'm feeling sian of work and I'm really sick haha. No chao keng, really!

Met with Janet while she was working at ITE. Was supposed to come earlier to help with her homework but got held up. Sorry! Went to eat penyet at simpang bedok. Had promfret, soft shell crab and prawns. omgjizz

Then went over to her void deck to help with her work. Shuk came as well! Total hobos I swear. Her assignment is something along the lines of inequality of sportswomen and lack of female coaches. Interesting topic, opened my eyes quite a bit as I researched and read about it. Janet basically KOed. Didn't even discuss the end June short getaway.

Speaking of which. Looks like Hong Kong is out of the question. Bali is though. But it's slightly over her budget. Hmm. This is why we should discuss more, Janet!

Hopefully she'll manage to wake up tomorrow morning to accompany me while waiting for the polyclinic doc. Else I'll just head over to her side and carry on helping with her work.

Enttäuschung

Disappointment. Doing PT with people in a different physical standard than you does make you feel disappointed about yourself. Especially with a previous injury. Why can't I do this? Why can't I do that without feeling pain.

But don't take this the wrong way. I've learnt to see the positive side of everything. This disappointed feeling can and will be channeled into motivation and drive to break through the barrier of self doubt, to become fitter,  stronger, better.

I'm feeling real psyched about the future. Things may not always go as planned. But I know I'll overcome them if I keep to this mindset, and that there are people that will stand by me if I fall.

Day 12

Woke up an hour later, dad sent me to camp! Had breakfast, then started work. The usual. Do work, find a hiding spot to chill, work, go to bunk for a nap. More work and voila. Work's done.

Came home, watched TV and stuff. Came out of the shower and Janet called me for PT. Sure why not. Just came out of the shower though. Hahah.

Mcshag yo!

Half way through, my lower back started hurting. Quite painful in fact. My muscles were cramping or something. They're kind of still sore now. But I guess it'll probably be less pain as I grow stronger. Motivation!!

Happy. Rewarding. Tired. Mcshag.

Day 11

So I didn't take mc today. Perseverance ftw! Worked with 2IC on how he wants bravo coy to be run. Need to work on his speech tomorrow. Upperstudy woke up late, went up to bunk and slept without informing anyone. No one knew he was in camp. OC went to have a word with him *secretly happy*. I mean like come on, it's about time he deserved something.

Didn't go for a ride with janet in the end, she went climbing! Well, I went for a run with my parents! Well, to be honest they didn't actually run. But proud of them nonetheless! Yay parents!!!

Day 10

Woke up around 1pm today. Went for lunch with family then headed to airport. I thought I was late. Turns out I ended up waiting for an hour haha. Went to suntec afterwards with Trent, Janet and shuk. Shuk and I went all hobo while they were collecting their sundown marathon race pack.

Met up with Stanley and Ernest in the end for dinner. Omg awesome sushi. Drank the grey goose at Janet's void deck. Not bad uh. But thanks for the present!!

Still contemplating to mc or not tomorrow. Dread going to work and facing fucked up people. But if I don't, the work keeps piling up. Decesions decesions.

Freundschaft

Thinking back, I've never had a friend like janet. Someone whom I truly care for. This feeling is strange. I've never felt the urge to ask how a person's day was and to know how they're doing before. Not even love interests.

I don't know why, but it feels right. It's like I feel she's my sister, my best friend. Someone who I know I can count on to be there for me when I'm down. Someone that I won't hesitate to be there for as well.

I enjoy the time we spend together. I hope this friendship continues even if our habits and lives changes.

She's such a wonderful person that's been through so much. Too much in fact. She's such a strong individual. I'm not talking about her physical strength. It's her inner strength that leaves me in awe.

If you're reading this janet, know that I'll always be there for you and that I'll try my hardest to make sure you don't feel down. But if you do, know that I'll be there to comfort you and cheer you up!

Thank you janet. For making me happy, feel wanted and cared for. You're the best friend I've ever had and I treasure this friendship like no other.

Danke.

Meoww!

Day 9

Went for lunch with dad and sis today, dad sent us off to the mrt station even. Sis had to go to school for studies and I went back to sp to build a tank.

Washed off the releasing agent off the resin parts, painted an ork for JZ. Man. I paint it better than I paint my marines.

Had dinner at tiong bahru and had dessert. Had chilled egg pudding with ginger. Awesome stuff.

Went back to godma's house to spend some time there since parents were there playing mahjong. Well I miss the dogs too. As loyal as you can get.

Why can't we be more like dogs? Unconditional love, and expect little or nothing in return. Wonderful creatures.

Janet, and friends coming back from krabi tomorrow. Not sure if meeting at airport though. She doesn't know her flight number. Bah.

On a side note, lost some weight. Just about 2kg worth of fats gone. Yaaaaay! But feeling fat from the past few days of not exercising though.

Not going back

Bumped into a clubber on the way back home. He was on his way to zouk. I forgot it was Friday night. Duh.

He was surprised that I wasn't clubbing tonight and asked me along. Tempting. But after thinking through, I don't want to go back to that lifestyle anymore. Going for the sake of going. Trying to be happy while getting high. I've learnt this past week that happiness doesn't come from that. For me at least.

He didn't seem to understand why I didn't want to go. Kept saying it was bull and nonsense. I don't blame him though. Age gap perhaps.

Maybe I'll go again next time with the right group of friends.

Spot me in the photo.

Day 8

Self declared half day off from work today. Took a nap for an hour or so in bunk even.

Came home, showered and changed. Left the house and headed for school. Since I had some time on my hands, why not try to finish up the bearguy? Don't wanna do it too last minute.

Went to clubroom and started painting. Familiar and new faces around. It's nice to hang around the clubroom again. I miss those times. Shared some army stories to the guys that were gonna enlist soon.

Had to separate the parts into individual pieces for painting. As this is a posable model and the parts move. So I couldn't paint it like how I paint static figures and tanks. Stuck it onto satay sticks for easy painting.

Managed to paint finish before we packed up. Needs a little touch up though. I'm afraid of paint chips and scratches, the original yellow colour showing through the blue would be horrendous. I hope I applied a generous amount of clear coat. Let's hope it's enough to protect it, yet not too thick that it chips easily. Fingers crossed.

Feel like writing a happy birthday note or something on the back of its head. We'll see how it goes.

The final product is blurred as I still want to keep it a surprise. Unveiling will be in a month's time or so. Keep waiting!

Day 7

It's already day 7. I didn't do anything worth doing, except for my work. But I took it with a smile on my face. If I'm going to be doing this all day, I might as well enjoy it then. Which I'm proud to say I did.

2IC came back from his USA training, and OC was around in the office for the whole day. Arrows kept flying in my direction and my upperstudy was no where in sight. Bah.

Well I just kept doing and doing work. Until the pile eventually receded. By then it was 5.30pm. Didn't manage to gym nor run. And by the time I got home, I was too tired to do anything.

Spent time with my parents while they had dinner at drive 6, sharing stories about the day.

I guess you don't have to set out to do something that makes you happy on purpose. But if you do your day to day stuff happily,  doesn't that count as doing something that makes you happy? Instead of brooding over the pile of work, and rather doing it happily,  I think time flew by pretty quick!

Janet is sick in krabi though. Feels helpless that I'm unable to help, but I'm sure she's in good hands :) Take care uh!

Also krabi looks like a postcard. Teleport me there please. Feels so carefree. Looking at the photo makes me want to smile.

An open letter

You know who you are

You've caused me so much pain, joy, heartache, happiness, grief, laughter, tears. You were so much and more. Yet things turned out this way.

No doubt I've gotten over you. But the lack of your presence has left a gaping hole in my heart. Because of you, I've spaced myself away from the things I liked to do, and the people I cared so much about. Because of you, I pretended to be someone I wasn't. Yet you never cared. Or at least, that was how people perceived you to be. I never heeded those warnings that I would get hurt in the end. I've always thought that it would be worth it if it meant I could be with you. I thought I could withstand the pain. I couldn't. Well you moved on with your life with success. Look at me, where am I now. Well it could be worse haha.

The past few days were great. Ever since I started that 100 days thing, I feel lighter, fresh, happier. The hole isn't filled. The concrete needs to be prepared, mixed, poured and settled, then it could be counted as filled. I'd say I'm in the prepping stage.

As I'm typing this, no longer am I in tears, nor feeling sad. Actually I'm smiling. Not sure why, but I am. I think things are looking great for me. I have an idea where I want to be, and I know what I have to do to get there.

It's been a learning experience, so to speak. Though I don't know if I can trust my heart to love someone like I did with you. Maybe not just yet. I don't know if I can take the rejection again. I've given up so much to be near you. But to think of it, it isn't really a lot isn't it? Maybe I was just being weak. Comparatively, I've seen Janet give up so much for Jiale. She went through so much and she survived it. I guess that was the inspiration for me to push through. She's such a strong individual, but if she did it, so can I.

With that I bid you farewell. Thank you for crossing paths with me, and for being a part of my life.


Dex.

Day 6

REST DAY.

As the header says. Today is rest day. Basically didn't do anything.

Went to work, OC left in an hour, then basically slacked in office till lunch. With the exception of dozing off on the table. Went up to bunk to sleep after lunch. KO'ed until 5pm. Time to go home. Decided to give myself a rest day, been running and exercising for the past few days. Felt good, but nothing beats a well deserved rest.

So I guess I'll spend tonight updating and refurbishing this blog. Needs a new makeover huh?

Thinking about it, does anyone still blog anymore?

Continuity.

Hi there.

It has been a while. Too long in fact.

FLASH UPDATE:

I've been feeling down for quite a while lately, and I never knew that a void existed in my mind until recently. A void created when I created gaps among my friends, and the people I care about. I stopped doing the things that I loved to do. I felt fake.

So I started a campaign for myself, "100 days and farther". Basically an online log where I post the common #100happydays stuff. It's makes me do things that make me happy, and spend time with the people I treasure and care about.

While it was working for the first few days, it rekindled my love for blogging. And I decided to restart this blog. But there wasn't a point in running two blogs that basically shared the same thing.

This blog will now have the #100days tag when I post about it, and normal day to day stuff and rants (when available haha).

I don't know. I just feel more attached to this blog somehow.