At the end of the day, i'm just a cat that wants to curl up in a ball, stay happy and ignore the world
I want to ignore it all. Because what's the point. It seems to be that I am living my life for you. Not for me. I live my life based on decisions predetermined by you. A false sense of belief that I had that I was in control of my life. How wrong was I.
This issue started because I needed to clear leave in June. 5 days worth of it. An apartment was available in Hong Kong, and Janet was free. So hey? Why not? Simple enough, two good friends going on a short getaway from the pressures and hassle of life.
Not in your mind.
You just had to think too much. What's wrong with two friends going on a holiday? What's wrong with two friends of the opposite sex going on a holiday? Nothing. Not to you at least. To you, everything has to have a hidden agenda. So when I explained that I have no feelings for Janet in that manner, you go crazy. You raised a point that, since she's not my girlfriend, why do I have to go with her. Are you that naive? Maybe you're paranoid. Maybe you're just thinking too much. But it's highly likely that you simply cannot put yourself to believe that I can have a best friend of the opposite gender. And even when I convinced you to get past that, you still come up with scenarios in your head, like what if she gets pregnant. WHAT THE FLYING FUCK, MOM. How naive can you get.
Why can't a guy and a girl be the best of friends? Is it so hard to believe that it is possible?
But that's not the end of it. You said put those issues aside. This house belongs to an aunt's friend. And that what will she think if two of us stayed there. Firstly, there isn't an issue to begin with. Secondly, it's unlikely you care about what she thinks of me to begin with. You care about what she thinks of you instead. How self-centred can you get.
A little background info: She used to tell me stories of her younger days. On how she used to lie to my grandma about going to a friend's house to study, but instead party, smoke, hang out with long haired guys which were much older than you were. Also about how your mom didn't understand and couldn't agree with you.
Sounds familiar doesn't it? Except that I didn't lie to you, and I don't lie to you. I could have simply told you that I was going with a group of guy friends and voila. I would be enjoying in Hong Kong like that. But no. I told you the truth. I didn't want to lie. I don't like to lie. And what happens. This shit.
Only you could cause me to be like this. Anger, hate, sorrow, all in one night, within one hour or so. And even after we argued, I came with teary eyes trying to talk to you. And you have the fucking cheek to tell me to stop using different strategies on you. STRATEGIES. That's what my own mother thinks of my emotions. My true, unfiltered and raw emotions. Are simply strategies to get what I want. Good job.
Sure, she said that she takes back what she said about my "strategies". The damage was done. It hurts so much. Do you even know?
Then you said, even if I had no feelings for Janet, it is possible that she has feelings for me? Or that she is using me. Again, WHAT THE FUCK.
My theory is that, you'll probably do this to a guy like me in the past (or maybe you even did). So you think that I will end up in a position like this. WELL NEWS FLASH. If I know Janet well enough, she isn't like that. Not like every description you said.
All that aside, you already came into this "discussion" with an outcome expected already. Expecting me to agree with you and cancel the trip. What basis is this for a discussion? It's more like a lecture. The end is already planned out, where all you need to do is guide me to the answer you want me to act out. Fuck you too.
I am still going to fight for the holiday. But I don't think it will work out. I can always force the issue and go, but you will always be my mother and after all these years of crap, I can never do that to you. You don't see that, do you? You don't see that I try so hard to be a good, filial son that you wanted. Maybe your expectations of me were too high. I'm sorry about that then. I try so hard, yet the recognition isn't there. It's as if that if I am a good son, I don't deserve anything because this is expected of me. However if I don't follow in your predetermined path for me, I'm a screwup.
How shallow you are.
I really need to talk to someone now. Or a simple reassuring hug that everything will be alright. But I don't want to disrupt Janet's Malaysia trip, Fred's on duty too.
Went for a run to clear my head. I don't want to think anymore. I'm just going to block everything that doesn't concern my happiness from now on. Unless it concerns people I truly care about. You couldn't understand that.
Like I said, I just want to curl up in a ball. Be a cat. Not giving a shit about the world. Staying focused on being happy and sleep my problems away.
Because at the end of the day, what is there for me?
Nothing.
Edit: Janet's feeling tired and stressed, I hope she feels better after her trip! Also why I don't wanna disturb her too, she's got a lot on her mind. :3
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